Occasion // Location: Lunch with Mama Ping, Karina’s Mexican Restaurant
I have this innate habit to over-think everything; it is both a blessing and a curse…
Speak it to the universe, speak it to the universe, speak it to the universe– I chanted, but every time I would open my mouth nothing would come out.
Just tell her!
I don’t know why I was so nervous, based on past experience I should have know that Mama Ping was going to root for me. She’s always been super supportive of all my wild ideas, almost to a fault— like that time I wanted to start my own vintage boutique and proceeded to buy boat loads of vintage just to have it sit in her garage for the next 4 years, but I digress— this time it was different. This was not something I’d just forget about in a weeks time; this was for real. This felt part of me and I feared rejection. I feared that her motherly instinct would kick in, that she would try to rationalize my dream, and it would all come crashing down in front of me at that very moment.
There I was a grown-ass woman seeking her mother’s approval.
Mom knew something was up, she always did; but in true Mama Ping fashion she just sat there waiting for me to have the courage to tell her myself.
I don’t know if it was my nerves or the 4th michelada I had just downed but between mouthfuls of ceviche I started nervously blabbing about how wonderful my recent trip to Japan was and then when I could no longer suppress my anxiety I regurgitate all my thoughts at once.
“So, Ma, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I’m going to do a round the world trip,” I proclaimed. “I don’t know where or how or even when yet but I really want to do it.” I didn’t want to give her the chance to question it so I rambled on as quickly as I could, “Long term, like, I’d like to be gone for at least a year,” I added. “I have no money but I’m going to save up. I’m going to quit my job!”
Maybe it was the booze or maybe I’m just overly emotional, but I was on the verge of tears.
It was the first time I had said it out loud and hearing myself say it was equally terrifying and invigorating.
“I know you can do it if you set your mind to it. It’ll be such a great experience, Güerra.”
Relief swept over me. That’s all I needed to hear.
The fucked up thing about anxiety is that it breeds so much self-doubt that you pretty much drown in it; and despite how ambitious you are more often than not you succumb to analysis paralysis. That’s me—EVERY.DAMN.TIME.
One day I’ll get better. For now– onto the planning stage!