Dream Out Loud

Boss Knuckle Ring 9to5Dropout.com

Occasion // Location: Lunch with Mama Ping, Karina’s Mexican Restaurant

I have this innate habit to over-think everything; it is both a blessing and a curse…

Speak it to the universe, speak it to the universe, speak it to the universe– I chanted, but every time I would open my mouth nothing would come out.

Just tell her!

I don’t know why I was so nervous, based on past experience I should have know that Mama Ping was going to root for me. She’s always been super supportive of all my wild ideas, almost to a fault— like that time I wanted to start my own vintage boutique and  proceeded to buy boat loads of vintage just to have it sit in her garage for the next 4 years,  but I digress— this time it was different.  This was not something I’d just forget about in a weeks time; this was for real. This felt part of me and I feared rejection. I feared that her motherly instinct would kick in, that she would try to rationalize my dream, and it would all come crashing down  in front of me at that very moment.

There I was a grown-ass woman seeking her mother’s approval.

Mom knew something was up, she always did; but in true Mama Ping fashion she just sat there waiting for me to have the courage to tell her myself.

I don’t know if it was my nerves or the 4th michelada I had  just downed  but between mouthfuls of ceviche I started nervously blabbing about how wonderful my recent trip to Japan was and then when I could no longer suppress my anxiety I regurgitate all my thoughts at once.

“So, Ma, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I’m going to do a round the world trip,” I proclaimed.  “I don’t know where or how or even when yet but I really want to do it.” I didn’t want to give her the chance to question  it so I rambled on as quickly as I could, “Long term, like, I’d like to be gone for at least a year,” I added. “I have no money but I’m going to save up. I’m going  to quit my job!”

Maybe it was the booze or maybe I’m just overly emotional, but I was on the verge of tears.

It was the first time I had said it out loud and hearing myself say it  was equally terrifying and invigorating.

“I know you can do it if you set your mind to it. It’ll be such a great experience, Güerra.”

Relief swept over me.  That’s all I needed to hear.

The fucked up thing about anxiety is that it breeds so much self-doubt that you pretty much drown in it; and despite how ambitious you are more often than not you succumb to analysis paralysis. That’s me—EVERY.DAMN.TIME.

One day I’ll get better. For now– onto the planning stage!

 

A Dream and A Revelation

Airplane Girl

May 23, 2016 – 12:08 AM

This year I rang in my 28th birthday in the sky above Tokyo, Japan. As I sat there staring out the airplane window at pure darkness, just a glimmer of light from the  buildings far below us, I closed my eyes to take it all in and a certain feeling swept over me, one I haven’t felt in a long time—I felt alive.

Right then and there it hit me– this is exactly where I need to be.

It’s now been over a month and that feeling has yet to escape me. Nor do I want it to. As cliché as it may sound my world just doesn’t look the same anymore; the 9-to-5 desk job I wake up to every day doesn’t seem as crucial to my personal growth as it once did and all the material things I thought I couldn’t live without no longer hold the same value.

With travel on the brain I guess the question now is—where do I go from here?

Long-term travel has always been a dream of mine but with the limited time off I get from work it always appeared to be nothing more than just that–a dream, and a seemingly unattainable one at that.

But people are out there traveling the world, what makes them different from me? If they can why can’t I?

My mind is running in a million different directions. I’m lost, but for the first time in a long time I think I’m lost in the right direction.